people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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