dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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