No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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