R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
