Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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