Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
