Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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