So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
