so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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