So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
ttyl tear gas
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize