big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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