I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
