Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
