Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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