Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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