ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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