We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
