Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
