You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I smell stomach acid.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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