I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
