the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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