That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I wish you could order shots online.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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