Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I smell stomach acid.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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