4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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