Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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