I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I wish you could order shots online.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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