All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
