Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
