the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
