in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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