I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize