guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
