You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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