So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
