This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize