So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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