apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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