i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
