Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
