The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
