I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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