Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm jealous of your bromance
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
