oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
