then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
