Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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