my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
