everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
