Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
