haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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