she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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