I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
