dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I need moral support for this bender
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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