I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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