I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
