My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
