Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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