don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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