My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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