Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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