So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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