I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
