Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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