My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
