I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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