the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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