I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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