Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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