If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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