I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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