He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
