I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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