Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
