Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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